Boundaries. You’ve heard how you should have them because they’ll solve all your problems, but what the heck is a boundary?
What’s a boundary?
Basically, a boundary is your personal limit of what you can control and what you’re willing to tolerate. Inside the boundary are things you can control: your likes/dislikes, your thoughts and feelings, your behaviour. It’s all about you. Outside of the boundary are things you can’t control: other people’s likes, dislikes, thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.
The good
Clear boundaries let other people know what you’re willing to tolerate and how you want to be treated. Having clear boundaries doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want, but at least the information is out there.
The bad
Unclear boundaries change without notice or leave gaps that force others to guess where they are. This makes it hard for others to know how to treat you and what to expect from you, which can lead to boundary violations, hurt feelings, and conflict.
Learning how to find and communicate your boundaries will solve a lot of relationship issues. Figuring out where your boundaries are involves a lot of self-awareness and reflection, which takes time and effort. This can be frustrating, especially at the start when you don’t know what you’re doing, but it gets easier and faster with practice, just like any other skill.
The ugly
Many of us have been taught that other people should just know what we want. Have you ever been told, “If you really loved me or cared, you’d just know”? But…how are you supposed to know?! You’re not a mind-reader. Expecting other people to guess correctly every time sets them up for failure, which is unfair to everyone involved.
Where do I start??
Any time we learn a specialized skill, we need to learn the lingo. If I want to talk about ships, I need to learn about port, starboard, boatswains, and anchors. If I want to talk about hockey, I need to know about goalies, off-sides, periods, and penalties. If I want to talk about boundaries, I need to be able to talk about sensations, emotions, wants, and needs, which are a LOT harder to google. On top of that, previous bad experiences with these will make learning a bit harder at the start (but definitely not impossible!).
This all sounds great, but HOW do we learn this sort of skill? Where can we go to get training, regular practice, and feedback on internal experiences like this? There’s therapy, which is expensive and assumes that you already know how to talk about emotions and what they feel like. Other than that, there haven’t been many other options….till now!
In my next few posts, I’ll talk about the building blocks needed to start training your boundaries. They’re simple (but not easy!) and with practice, they can completely transform your relationships and health.
In the meantime
What’s your experience with talking about sensations, emotions, wants, and/or needs? It’s also ok if you don’t have any specific experience with this, a lot of people don’t! If this is the case, how do you think your lack of experience affects your life?